I live everyday with regrets.
I could poetically and philosophically somehow weave a tapestry of narration to echo some past sentiment I’m sure I’ve once spoke ‘learning from mistakes’ or how life never has regrets, only lessons…
But I’m exhausted, a little depressed and a little angry. And not at anyone in particular, but in the life I find myself in; the life I come to know because of some ot my choices that I honestly and simply regret.
Sure, I have learned lessons, I’ve maybe become a little more aware, or ‘stronger’, but they are still regrets. They are mistakes and choices I made that honestly, if I could have learned said lessons a different way, I would have totally chosen a different road! The pain, hurt and stress some of my choices have made for me and for those around me is a mark that I carry everyday. And I have to live with that, EVERY day! I am sad for those I’ve done wrong to and for those that feel as though I am their regret, I’m sorry.
Now I also think that living with regret is a humbling experience. To live without regret (like many famous quotes suggest we do) is to live without the acknowledgement that we’ve made mistakes or that we are void of responsibility. It suggests we have nothing to learn or we have no reason to own our part in the story. So I will live with my regrets everyday. When I wake up in the morning, I have to acknowledge that there were mistakes and choices made that have shaped how I will venture through today. They will act as painful reminders of loss. They will serve to direct my future steps, yes, but they also serve to create tension from the moment my eyes open to when they close (if I can convince my thoughts to allow me to succumb to the exhaustion and just sleep).
The tension of where regret meets ignorance is where I choose to live. I often find myself giving in too much to the pull of every regret and struggle to feel worthy of breathe for tomorrow, only serving to further produce the destructive and common negative self talk and feed my complete lack of self esteem and respect, which is something I fight daily and hope to eventually rest on the tension.
I believe that is where our wisdom comes from. Somewhere in the space between our guilt, shame and self loathing, and our avoidance or narcissistic denial of responsibility.
Growth happens here
Our leaned lessons are pulled from the awareness that we can’t change what was done, and that we are doing our best to not repeat what was regretful in the first place.
I honestly believe we should regret, it shows our humanity, that we are not perfect, we make choices, for whatever reasons and intentions, malicious or pure, we are only human. The uncomfortable tension of regret is where you can find me.