I’ve taken a few days to gather my thoughts on the inevitable New Year’s post. I’ve been asked by several people when I plan on writing something about said topic. To be honest, I really didn’t want to.
Personally, my 2018 was pretty awful and rather terrible. A difficult separation, a tragic loss to a long struggle trying to desperately hold my life together, serious depression, anxiety, daily panic attacks, addiction, debt, counseling and lots of therapy…all the while trying to go to work everyday and put on a happy face! Luckily I love my job and those I work with are some of the most understanding, loving, and supportive friends I could have ever asked for… and my long time clients that are aware of my situation are absolutely amazing. Obviously I know there are positives to every situation and I do have many things to be thankful for, yet those things don’t need to change, so though I am quite aware, I will approach this New Year a little different.
so 2018 came to a close and I woke up on January 1 2019 and all my troubles were gone, it was as though when the clang of six wine glasses filled with only the best orange juice for myself and my five beautiful kids resounded through my tiny two bedroom apartment, there was some magic spell that released me from all the pain of 2018!!
…and then I woke up…
I woke up and still had to take my medication for my anxiety, I still had to battle the weight of depression, financial struggle, addiction, and everything that had taken place over the past twelve months. The burden of loss and the challenges of life were still there. I only wish I could change all of it in an instant, but that is just not possible or realistic.
I would love nothing more than to be one of those individuals who can stick with a New Year’s resolution…but I’ve been working on my organizational skills since 2013! I have found New Year’s resolutions to be as awkward and uncomfortable as showing up to a course dressed in the exact same attire as the person you would least like to talk to…You know the feeling of shock, disappointment and embarrassment, all the while knowing that there will be a conversation had that you really, really just want to avoid! That has been my experience after about two weeks into most of my New Years.
This year I wanted to take enough time to truly come up with something valuable for those that read this blog. Something that might help you through what you are struggling with knowing that life hasn’t stopped and the problems of last year are still present today, of course, at the risk of sounding too depressing and hopeless. so here it goes…
Taking some time for myself to sit and write a little of my book (goal for 2019 is to get that finished…more on that later), I was listening to a husband and wife duo JonnySwim (https://www.johnnyswim.com) and their song “Let it Matter“. Interpretation of songs is a matter of personal subjectivity, however, the concept of the song seems simple yet incredibly profound. What hurts today will be here tomorrow, and we need to let ourselves be willing to accept and let our emotions, feeling and hurts matter. Even though we are not meant to carry our wounds and baggage with us through our entire lives, they all have an effect on our lives and should be allowed space to be experienced so we can learn, grow and progress.
So as 2018 has closed, I think it is more important to reflect on the year that was, before making resolutions for the coming year. For those of us that had a difficult year, taking time to reflect on the experiences, to see where growth can happen, to learn from the year and find ways to avoid the same hurt and struggle. How can we pivot towards change if we don’t stop to examine where change needs to happen first, otherwise we run the risk of running blind into a sea of disappointment again. That will just make us even more jaded and frustrated with the year we thought we would have. Even though I have my own goals for 2019 and there are things I want to accomplish and some aspects of my life I want to change, I first need to visit what was, so I can truly leave it behind and learn for tomorrow. I need to focus on the “Why” before I can figure out the “What is Next”.
So I am going to take some time to lean into the pain of 2018 just enough to reflect and learn and grow. I’m going to plant my seed of 2019 in the dirt of 2018, water it and care for it with the hope of days to come and watch how I can grow, taking all the experience, sadness, mud, dirt, pain and darkness and let it feed my growth from now on.
I would love to hear your thoughts on the New Year and some resolutions or changes you wish for yourselves in 2019. As always, you can leave a comment on this page, on the various social pages it will be posted to, or you can text 7058682616
until next time, be safe, learn, grow and let your experiences matter